Friday, June 15, 2012

The Serial Killer's Guide To Dating

Secretly, I'm hoping by creating that title that I will get a multitude of hits (including some FBI screenings) and that I will meet someone who finds my dark sense of humor absolutely charming.
I also think it's a perfect description for my dating life.

Once upon a time, I ran off with an artist three times my age with no money, no place to live, and I gave up my youth in return. What can go wrong with that? So, I got smart and dated the opposite of him and ended up with no money, no place to live, and even less of my youth in return. Hey! That wasn't supposed to happen. Well, now I am going to be smart!

Unfortunately, I, like most women, often end up dating the same man (or the same two men) again and again. Usually, they are attracted to my cool, detached demeanor (I'm a sly one). They usually end up running for their lives for the reasons listed below:

*Too Passionate
*Too Intense
*Really Weird
*Really, really weird

Oh, did I mention I cry? Yeah, I do that. Sometimes, I do that A LOT. I especially cry when I am not having sex. I haven't figured out what's worse, yet; dating a sexaholic who is happy getting it on with you and half the town or the vanilla bean guy who looks at you and shrugs in cruel indifference while you are lying there writhing in heated passion and no place to let go of it.

((Two guesses on who the last guy was))

So, after much meditation, fasting, soul searching, and deliciously deplorable conversations with my closest lady friends (and a couple of trust worthy guy friends), I think I finally have the answer.

I need to date like a serial killer.

At first, I thought I needed to DATE the serial killer. But, here's the kicker, ladies, serial killers are just like 99.9% of all the guys out there. They want what they can't have. They want the fantasy. Once you become the chick sitting on the couch every day, no amount of knowledge of obscure music trivia (go ahead, ASK ME!) and no amount of smarty pants mathy-science knowledge, will even flipping matter. They are probably going to want to stand in the bushes of someone else and leer at some other girl from an uncomfortable distance. Plus, you have to keep pretending that it ISN'T what you really want. I'm all up for games and pretend, but at some point, I really, REALLY, REALLY want to make out with the guy. And, the truth is, I want him to want to make out with me, too. The bad part? Too often I don't want him to stop wanting to make out with me and only me. With the serial killer, it's usually worse because he most certainly wants to just want to make out with you. I hate THAT guy. You know who he is. He's the guy that just wants to want you. He'll pursue you until the ends of the earth and back until you say those three little words:
"Sure, let's date."
Let us also not forget the most important word in the title:
Do you understand what this means? It means that you are NOT the only one.
I have searched long and hard for Mr. Clingy, Mr. Desperate, Mr. Needy. If I could just find that one special guy that needs me sooooo much and no one else will do, I will bake him cookies forever in exchange for a whole lot of kissing. I'll talk about and listen to all the cool bands, watch all the B Movies, dig on the same sci-fi flicks, read comic books, tell dirty jokes (or pretend to be offended, if that's what you like).
Yes, I totally understand that this is the most girl statement ever. But, that's the point of being a girl. You get to be, well, a girl.
I can also cry, too.
And, I can impress you with all of my music trivia knowledge
(Name two famous musicians from Siouxsie and the Banshees that are not famous for being in Siouxsie and the Banshees)
I have decided that there is really one guy for me; one sure fire no complications/ace in the hole kind of guy:
Homeless men who sleep under bridges.
Growing up in the 90s, it was sort of a dream of mine to hitch hike up to Seattle and find one of these guys and groom him to be the next Kurt Cobain. But, that's not a good idea either, because eventually everyone will be wearing ripped jeans, flannel tshirts, and wanting all the love of YOUR man.
That's pretty much how it went down, anyway.
So, what I REALLY need is to just pick up some guy who hasn't eaten in a really long time. I can cook all sorts of yummy treats in exchange for his undying, unyielding love for me. If he starts to lose interest, lock him in the basement and take away his food supply. Once he begins to love me again, I will not only cook for him, but I will clean for him. Hell, I will even clean him! We will have snuggle fests when it's rainy outside. When he gets slimy and dirty, we can stick to each other like a couple of snails. He'll be my best friend. BEST. FRIEND. EVER. We'll have all sorts of inside jokes. We'll play board games. And! We will TOTALLY make out.
If he should ever decide to leave me, it's ok. I have enough rope, duct tape, and chloroform to make him change his mind. And if I am REALLY lucky, I'll manage to pick up some homeless guy who was once upon a time a struggling artist/writer/musician and I will impress him with my knowledge of music
(Sid Vicious and Robert Smith. You didn't know that, did you? See, I told you I was impressive)

Of course, there is one hitch in my plan. Plenty of homeless people suffer from mental illnesses such as schizophrenia which, if you've ever been a party to this one, you know, means a whole lot of emotional detachment and not liking to be touched.

Recap: Girl Seeks Homeless Man Who Hasn't Eaten In A Really Long Time And Likes Touching

Seriously, what can go wrong with that?


  1. LMAO you really don't want to date a homeless guy for the following reasons:
    They smell BAD - sooooo not sexy
    I've tried that and they are nut jobs too
    They stop with the sexy time once they are your only homeless guy
    Most Important - You deserve better. Besides the homeless guy you describe is like a mash up of your exes isn't it?

    Trust me You are awesome just one weird girl to another.


    Your article reminds me of this movie I saw, called Summer's Moon (apparently it's also called Summer's Blood). I posted the Internet Movie Database link above ^^.

    It's about a serial killer family. One of the guys even has a 'garden' where he finds someone that likes him, then he makes them love him by chaining them in the basement and only allowing them to come upstairs to clean once the Stockholm Syndrome kicks in - much like your description of taking a homeless man in. I'd think you'd enjoy it, at least if you can see the humor in a film that's supposed to be serious.

    And yes, I agree with Sayuri Black. You are awesome. I'm weird as hell and appreciate seeing how your mind works. Makes me feel less lonely haha