Friday, June 15, 2012


The (wrong) girl.
Hello, boys. Growing up your mommy probably told you tales of the "right" girl. You would meet her and you would fall in love. She would be every shade of perfect for you. Perhaps she was quiet and unassuming. Perhaps she was fiercely independent and deliciously outspoken.
Well, I am ALL of those things. I just happen to be all of those things at the most innappropriate and awkward moments. Half the time, it isn't even clever or ironic. It's just me stumbling through life; ridiculous, silly, day dreamy, and frustrated.
Honestly, I'd probably be the "right" girl for you, living the "right" sort of life, with all the "right" things in place.
But, somehow I'm not.
And that makes me the (wrong) girl.

For all you girls out there, I was the girl you probably didn't want to know. If you did, your mom didn't think it was a good idea. It's ok. I'm sure you had your reasons. I was often cited as the bad influence; the corrupter. Many a friend had to pretend to be talking to someone else (when they were really talking to me). I was the girl who encouraged you to sneak out, meet boys, paint your face, wear combat boots, listen to Bikini Kill. You know, the girl you are thanking RIGHT NOW for having a damn life. Unless, I stole your boyfriend. You probably aren't thanking me right now. In that case, I should say, he always thought I was a better kisser. And! I probably made him cry :) It's ok, you are successful, married, lots of kids coming out of your clown car vagina, you have money, attention, love, affection. I have a lot of damages. But, I also have a lot of really GREAT stories. And, I'm one foxy lady!

Here is a list of things I LOVE and will bring up time and again (to the point where it won't be cool or impressive but more like a seemingly desperate attempt to impress YOU. It's not. It's really all I think about. It's a little sad, really. I think a lot like a teenage boy. Not even a cool teenage boy. When I say teenage boy, I really mean, cool, detached, unattainable chick. And when I say cool, detached, unattainable chick, I really mean teenage boy).

Ok, start the list of all things I love and talk about too, too excessively:

*Monty Python (movies, skits, Flying Circus)
*Mel Brooks (movies, or just Mel in general)
*Star Wars (my whole concept of life revolves around Jedi Ideology)
*Music/Bands (I haven't the foggiest idea who all is out there now. I'm sure it's great. Unfortunately, I repetitively talk about and listen to the same bands who haven't put anything out in a long time and it gets old to hear about my "favorite song by The Kinks" rather quickly. Or, you might hear me tell you that Jello Biafra was once a roadie for The Nails way too many times. By the way, I LOVE The Nails)
*They Might Be Giants (Thank God they are still putting out new stuff or I wouldn't have anything new to talk about ever)
*Nirvana (I'm still their biggest fan and I love what Krist is up to these days. I wish Dave Grohl would just disappear. Pat Smear, I'm really disappointed in you)
*Oingo Boingo (I can't get enough of their music or their awesomely awful movie The Forbidden Zone)
*Andy Warhol
*Alfred Hitchcock
*Beat Generation Poets (Team Ginsberg! Team Burroughs!)
*H.P. Lovecraft
*B Movies (sci-fi, claymation, cheesy gore, I love it all!)
*Big Band/Swing (My friends are already familiar on my whole dissertation on how NOT loving Benny Goodman makes you a fascist. It's totally relative to eating mayonnaise)
*Mayo and Sour Cream are the two most vile substances on the face of this planet
*Speaking of planets, I'm still rooting for you, Pluto!
*Tickling. Please never tickle me.
*Mom jeans/mom khakis (I'll never wear them)
*Slip on Vans and old school Chucks (I'm still so ridiculously immature that those shoes give me goosebumps)
*Angels baseball (it's ok if you don't care for sports or like someone else. I could never marry a Dodgers or Yankees or Red Sox fan. But, I could love them from a distance)
*Rainy Weather (I really love storms)
*Vinyl. I'm really into vinyl. (Especially 45's, 33's and 78's. Hit me up if you have any clue as to what I am talking about)
*Old movies (romance, noir, war, anti war, westerns)
*Time Travel and Teleportation
*The 80s
*The 60s
*The 50s
*The 40s
*The 30s
*The 20s
Pretty much every decade starting with the 90s and going back to the 20s
Except for the 70s. It was ok, but as a whole, meh.
*Philosophy (especially existentialism)
*String Theory
*J.D. Salinger 

Alright, upon looking it over, I suppose I am a little more well-rounded than I thought. I guess I have more interests than that of a teenage boy. I still don't think I've fully made it to totally cool, detached unattainable chick.

But, for now, I am certainly still the girl with the horrible sense of timing and boundaries. Yes, I am the (wrong) girl.

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